Sunday, March 20, 2011

Accepting Transgenderism as a part of my life (Part II, This one actually happened first)

This is something that took me a bit to overcome.  I tried to bike ride to force everything out of my mind but that didn't work.  I ranted/blabbered on LaurasPlayground about it.  What helped the most is a call from a friend who put things in perspective and really made me realize what had happened.  I had been outed!  And to my father of all people.

How it happened was somehow he found a letter I was drafting to come out with to my ex.  A letter he referred to as disturbing and made him lose sleep.  I don't know how he found it, I don't remember attempting to print it, or saving it anywhere at all on that computer.  Hell I don't even remember working on it outside of my Gmail which he has no way to get into.  But now he knows and cannot unknow that in this letter I referred to myself as a transsexual and by the name of Orva.  It seemed like he wants to do the adult thing which is communicate about this indeed he said that he would always be my father and that family is family.

However, I have my concerns... I have talked with him twice after he called about the letter.  The first time I told him that the things he said to me, comparing this to various fetishes and looking at it COMPLETELY in a sexual fashion where demeaning.  That this is not purely a sexual thing.  I told him that communicating like he wants to is the adult and mature thing to do and that I would try to find literature/books on the subject for him.  Also that I am seeing a therapist and going to a support group.  He seemed okay with that.

Tonight I talked with him again, finally got the guts to ask him some medical questions I needed answered for my therapist.  Growing up I had to take a speech class to help me develop language skills, I went to resource room and beat dyslexia, and I saw a therapist because I needed assistance with motor skills.  Every time he mentioned one of these he would add, BUT THAT'S NORMAL!  It doesn't mean anything, now a days they give people pills for everything.  I am beginning to fear his attitude, one that I am getting the vibe is: Therapy and support groups will corrupt my son!
I myself have often wondered, "Am I traveling roads I shouldn't?"  But sitting back and thinking about that it makes no sense.  I have been surprised by people, their kindness, and their ability to surprise me with kindness for the first or at least the first times in a while.  I am listening to music for the meaning instead of seeking out the latest and most brutal tunes while thinking those who listen to music for lyrics are shallow idiots.  I've drawn again, but in a different manner.  I can look at a bowl of fruit and record it in meticulous detail, the perfect still-life, but that is exactly what it was, recording.  But now I am drawing, synthesizing, creating, with inspiration from within myself to convey a message about myself.  I have even wrote poetry, something I never expect of myself.  If anything therapy and support is doing the exact and polar opposite to what my father seems to believe it is.  It is un-corrupting me.  They are teaching me that yes, it is okay to have these thoughts and feelings and that acting on them would not be a weakness or an abhorrent thing.
It does hurt though... to hear and sense the uneasiness in his voice and to know he can do the same for mine.  But I don't think I can or should revert back or stop on my path not for him, not for anyone.  I need to develop as me.

1 comment:

  1. *hug* it can be pretty tough when family get involved without warning, I'm happy that things seem to be ok though. and I agree with you, about how helpful that kind of therapy is.