Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Pseudo G-spot

Quite simply, male bodies have prostates and there placement and nerve count lets them act in a manner similar to the fabled and mystical G-spot (though I believe GGs have us beat out in nerve count).  As a recent development (probably around the last month or so) I have been exploring this.

I have experimented in the past but not like this.  It is different than the more typical manner of stimulation, and the orgasm is very much different.  There is a build up, a genesis and the experience itself is more drawn out.

Engaging in stimulation of this manner has shifted focus of how I think.  Now I really have pretty much no interest in captioned images, stories, and things like that.  When I am engaged in the act the focus is not on imagining myself as female, or imagining getting turned into a female, there is no visage of autogynophilia visible.  I'll still look at porn stills to get myself fired up but now instead of wanting to be the woman I simply want to be in her situation.  As I am going, I am either too focused on the actual sensations to bother fantasizing or I am doing so about being with a man/male.  What it would be like to look up and see a built chest looming over me or what it would be like to feel his hands on me.

This new found pleasure does have a downside... I kind of get hopelessly horny randomly throughout the day. @_@

I am going to continue exploration this way, it helps my sense of well being.  It is a self pleasure method that makes me feel good about myself, at peace.
But in order to do that I'm gonna have to get myself some kind of toys.

Monday, May 2, 2011

So many things @_@

Okay, I don't post here a lot 'cause well I don't... I PROVIDE NO EXPLANATION! :P

Anyway, I have been doing a whole lot of stuff.  Joined PRIDE at work, circulated information about CT-HB6599 my state's bill to protect against discrimination based on gender identity/expression.  It is still being stared confoundedly at by them silly politicians.  No, but seriously I hope they approve it.

Went to the Transgendered Lives: The Intersection of Health and Law conference and it was great.  It isn't just on the internet that support exist but there was a whole damn conference geared for it!  I was hemming and hawing about what name to use and eventually I went with Orva and so I spent a whole day walking around with a name tag that read just that, "Orva".  I went to a bunch of interesting talks, one about how to managed advocacy, job, and life which was a good idea because well I got advocacy, job, life, and trans-stuff/mental health in general. Another was by the endocrinologist who WILL be the person I would go to in order to get HrT if I choose to, or when I can get rid of the bogart of doubt.  Then there was one about deal with insurance exclusions which I am hoping will help out PRIDE as part of our agenda is to gain equal health care for transgendered peoples through the company insurance. 

The keynote speaker was AWESOME!  And also one of my therapist mentors; it is quite obvious where she got some of her opinions from, don't worry they are good ones.  His speech centered around many points but one that is interesting is that in western society we really don't believe in total health.  Rather we believe in the absence of sickness.  General well-being is overlooked because it isn't optimal for capitalism.  And transgenderism, that is an issue of well-being.  It isn't a sickness, it isn't a plague rather it is a condition that, like many causes individuals to be unhappy about themselves.  Thus it shouldn't be treated as a plague or a sickness and it is not "cured" by HrT or SRS, rather when an individual has become comfortable with themself and the issue of well being is resolved.

He also brought up a bunch of documents quite similar to many countries' bills of rights that were constructed regarding gender identity and expression.  Plus he was just about as wise as Yoda and kind of looked like him to, AWESOMENESS!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Accepting Transgenderism as a part of my life (Part II, This one actually happened first)

This is something that took me a bit to overcome.  I tried to bike ride to force everything out of my mind but that didn't work.  I ranted/blabbered on LaurasPlayground about it.  What helped the most is a call from a friend who put things in perspective and really made me realize what had happened.  I had been outed!  And to my father of all people.

How it happened was somehow he found a letter I was drafting to come out with to my ex.  A letter he referred to as disturbing and made him lose sleep.  I don't know how he found it, I don't remember attempting to print it, or saving it anywhere at all on that computer.  Hell I don't even remember working on it outside of my Gmail which he has no way to get into.  But now he knows and cannot unknow that in this letter I referred to myself as a transsexual and by the name of Orva.  It seemed like he wants to do the adult thing which is communicate about this indeed he said that he would always be my father and that family is family.

However, I have my concerns... I have talked with him twice after he called about the letter.  The first time I told him that the things he said to me, comparing this to various fetishes and looking at it COMPLETELY in a sexual fashion where demeaning.  That this is not purely a sexual thing.  I told him that communicating like he wants to is the adult and mature thing to do and that I would try to find literature/books on the subject for him.  Also that I am seeing a therapist and going to a support group.  He seemed okay with that.

Tonight I talked with him again, finally got the guts to ask him some medical questions I needed answered for my therapist.  Growing up I had to take a speech class to help me develop language skills, I went to resource room and beat dyslexia, and I saw a therapist because I needed assistance with motor skills.  Every time he mentioned one of these he would add, BUT THAT'S NORMAL!  It doesn't mean anything, now a days they give people pills for everything.  I am beginning to fear his attitude, one that I am getting the vibe is: Therapy and support groups will corrupt my son!
I myself have often wondered, "Am I traveling roads I shouldn't?"  But sitting back and thinking about that it makes no sense.  I have been surprised by people, their kindness, and their ability to surprise me with kindness for the first or at least the first times in a while.  I am listening to music for the meaning instead of seeking out the latest and most brutal tunes while thinking those who listen to music for lyrics are shallow idiots.  I've drawn again, but in a different manner.  I can look at a bowl of fruit and record it in meticulous detail, the perfect still-life, but that is exactly what it was, recording.  But now I am drawing, synthesizing, creating, with inspiration from within myself to convey a message about myself.  I have even wrote poetry, something I never expect of myself.  If anything therapy and support is doing the exact and polar opposite to what my father seems to believe it is.  It is un-corrupting me.  They are teaching me that yes, it is okay to have these thoughts and feelings and that acting on them would not be a weakness or an abhorrent thing.
It does hurt though... to hear and sense the uneasiness in his voice and to know he can do the same for mine.  But I don't think I can or should revert back or stop on my path not for him, not for anyone.  I need to develop as me.

Accepting Transgenderism as a part of my life (Part I, reverse chronologically!)

There was a long lag there.
Lately the title of this post is exactly what I have been doing.  For a while I was experimenting, oscillating.  I would wear woman's undergarments to work for a week then switch back to boxers.  Damn that was foolish!  Imagine the stress of both a new job and trying to test yourself out in this manner, seeing what changing clothing would do for you.  I was not in a happy state. 

Recently I  have begun to try something else and that is rock some androgyny.  Since I am an analyst and spend most of my day in a lab I get to dress business casual and the concentration is on safety.  Now that warmer weather has started I have begun to wear polo shirts and woman's jeans to work.  Boot cut woman's jeans.  I get to know but they are ambiguous enough to leave most in the dark.  This last Friday I was entirely clothed in woman's garments (well aside from shoes and socks >_>).  I had a brown pair of pants, a black woman's tee as an undershirt to a black woman's polo shirt.  No-one comments no-one sneers, snickers, or insults me in anyway.  I am also lucky that they can't!  My company has adopted policies that forbade discrimination based on gender expression/identity and have done so ahead of time: it is still legal in my state of residency to fire someone for being transgendered.  I am really lucky in this...

Anyway wearing all woman's clothing was an experience that, well I'm not quite sure how to articulate it.  I guess the thing that makes the most sense is I felt more.  I was exhilarated to be at work and performed with an energy I had not known since I had opened to metaphorical Pandora's box months ago.  I found myself more confident to interact with co-workers and even asked one of them if she had gotten new shoes.  She had by the way, navy blue flats with a black buckle on them.  I really like her sense of style.  She dresses up a bit more than most of the other woman in my department but does it just enough to look well put together and not out of place among peers.

I also took what I think is a pretty large step towards integrating transgenderism into my workplace.  I am now a member of my company's chapter or P.R.I.D.E.  I was hemming and hawing about going but heck, I had been wearing panties and 'woman's' jeans to work for nearly a week before the meeting I freaking belong there! :P
Anyway it was a good thing.  I did not come out or anything rather it served as a way for me to find out that it could be okay.  And also to begin to find people who could become allies, people for when I am having a bad day I can email and go out to lunch with and really tell them why.  One such person is the chapter director, her story of how she became involved with the group nearly floored me.  She's a straight cis ally who was asked to help out with an information table when P.R.I.D.E. was in its infancy operating under the name The Gay and Lesbian Professional Network.  She had been involved with activity planning for the company for a while but at first was taken aback because she was not gay.  But then she began researching and was absolutely captivated and ended up not only helping but running the booth.  As she was a woman approached her and commented, "I have real respect for your group, I have a bunch of friends like you!"  Now instead of correcting her, telling her she was not a lesbian instead she answered simply with, "Thank you!" because she got it, she understood that it makes no difference and it doesn't matter that the mistake was made, people are people regardless of orientation or gender identity.

She also mentioned how she got to see the work and the progression of PRIDE to make the company adapt policies against discrimination of transgendered employees and get that 100 rating from the Human Rights Campaign.  She provided the blunt example that if tomorrow she went to her boss and told him she preferred male pronouns, he'd have a meeting with her department and then that would be that and any mix ups would technically be a reportable policy infraction.

I also learned from another speaker that they are currently working for benefit parody for transgendered employees.  That means that if a person is going to get SRS the company would consider it a non-cosmetic medical treatment and it would be covered by their company health plan.  I left the meeting feeling uplifted, as if the universe itself had given me a hug.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Start up and background about me


I am a "biological male" beginning  a journey into femininity.  This is not a spur of the moment event, it is not a whim, and it is not easy.  What it is, is a journey of self-actualization, whatever the conclusion I would have looked within myself, confronted thoughts, feelings, and memories some of which I didn't even know I had and the end result will be a better person.  For years I've kept things in my head, fantasized sexually and daydreamed about being a woman, having sex as a woman, being transformed into a woman.  Indeed if anything the whole of this adventure can be captured by the song lyric:

Attempts corruption to marvel at the orvations of thoughtlessness
Himsa - Courting Tradjety and Diasater - The Girl in Glass

I didn't even realize the bold and underline coincidence until a few days ago, and I've like that song for years!  Anyway, the point is that for years it was in my head and five years ago when I first stumbled onto the interwebs, learned of transsexuality and that I didn't fit the sterotype of it, I relegated my femininity to perversion which allowed me to go through college, get a Master's degree in physical chemistry, and clench a job as an analyst in a fortune 500 company.

But when faced with my graduation I slowly began to think, to ponder those big 'adult' questions of what type of person I want to be in 10 years, who I really want to be when I grow up.  I began to experiment with some hypnosis to explore my femininity in a new way.  Then I learned that the company I was hired to is rated as 100 by the Human Rights Campaign.  That means they have policies against discrimination based gender identity/expression and would allow for transition on the job.  About the only thing they won't do is let company insurance pay for things like surgery.

That was the first event, the first 'coincidence' that moved this atheistic skeptic slowly towards conceding that destiny exist and that the universe will make it apparent what yours is.  While out on my own I have gone through so many emotions but I am beginning to lose the layers of self internalized guilt, the pills Dr. Society had forced down my gullet for years.  I'm attending a support group for transsexuals, one that a new but already dear friend reached out and invited me to.  I'm also attending a social/advocacy group for transgenderism in general.  I'm also meeting with a therapist which I see as a needed step since I do not have absolute clarity.  I have a general idea of what I want to do, think I should do it, just want some guidance and to make sure I deal with whatever other stuff I have going on so I end up coming out on top.

My last adventure, the one that actually prompted me finally start this blog, was buying $127 worth of new and fashionable woman's clothing and doing it without shame, fear, and completely obviously.  I went to a local store and at first it was me, an older woman and the two young saleswoman.  I'm guessing they got the "deer in the headlights" vibe from me and one approached asking who I was shopping for and my answer completely stone faced and matter of fact-ly was "Myself actually, cuz I crossdress on occasion."  The girl asked back, "Really?" and I just answered with a "Yup".  Then she said something like, "Okay, I only ask because we get tons of people coming in and joking about that.  Anything specific you are looking for?"

Then it began, an at least hour long guided adventure through the store helping me get pants, tight ones :3 , shirts, and a jacket.  I was even allowed to try them on in the fitting room like any other customer would (mind you this was a store that sold exclusively woman's clothing).  I think I found what I call a jump point, a place I can go to and expect aid, and expect acceptance.  I didn't stick around to get help with jewelry because, hell I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY! :P  That and I was already kind of @_@ because of the utter information inundation.  But I'm really tempted to call the store and ask what the policy on crossdressing in there would be so I could go dressed and then get help with jewelry.  I'm going to talk about this idea with my therapist and see what she thinks about it.

Slowly I am beginning to appreciate that people can surprise me with kindness and that there is goodness in society.  The misanthropic view at its height during high-school where I thought of others, outside of a few friends, as waste of flesh and that the whole of the human race was vile.  College, getting my own life, and these seemingly correlated events have been and now have really eroded that view.  It has also enabled me to start artistically expressing myself again, I have a bunch of ideas for projects the current favorite is to make a watch band using the spend 22 caliber casings from when my grandfather taught me how to fire a gun, alternating between a casing, beads, a casing, etc.  That and one of them nifty punk jackets:
Meh, only picture I have of a girl in one isn't so great.  But you get the idea one of those really nifty individualized one completely plastered with band patches!  I'm actually thinking about getting one in a rather feminine color and using it as a base so I can turn people's heads with the juxtaposition (I love that word!). 

Well now that's only an overview this blog is gonna be a wordy blog!  And I will make other disclaimers too.  This is MY blog and that means I will post what I want to when I want to.  If it offends or unsettles you, k, I really don't care.  Also, I will talk on base emotional levels and on highly intellectual levels I have drawn metaphors between my thoughts and feelings to quantum theory, metaphysics, and density functional theory.  I will not dumb myself down and if I post art there may not be an explanation if I don't feel like it.

If you can deal with the disclaimers I welcome you to follow me on this journey.