I am a "biological male" beginning a journey into femininity. This is not a spur of the moment event, it is not a whim, and it is not easy. What it is, is a journey of self-actualization, whatever the conclusion I would have looked within myself, confronted thoughts, feelings, and memories some of which I didn't even know I had and the end result will be a better person. For years I've kept things in my head, fantasized sexually and daydreamed about being a woman, having sex as a woman, being transformed into a woman. Indeed if anything the whole of this adventure can be captured by the song lyric:
Attempts corruption to marvel at the orvations of thoughtlessness
Himsa - Courting Tradjety and Diasater - The Girl in Glass
I didn't even realize the bold and underline coincidence until a few days ago, and I've like that song for years! Anyway, the point is that for years it was in my head and five years ago when I first stumbled onto the interwebs, learned of transsexuality and that I didn't fit the sterotype of it, I relegated my femininity to perversion which allowed me to go through college, get a Master's degree in physical chemistry, and clench a job as an analyst in a fortune 500 company.
But when faced with my graduation I slowly began to think, to ponder those big 'adult' questions of what type of person I want to be in 10 years, who I really want to be when I grow up. I began to experiment with some hypnosis to explore my femininity in a new way. Then I learned that the company I was hired to is rated as 100 by the Human Rights Campaign. That means they have policies against discrimination based gender identity/expression and would allow for transition on the job. About the only thing they won't do is let company insurance pay for things like surgery.
That was the first event, the first 'coincidence' that moved this atheistic skeptic slowly towards conceding that destiny exist and that the universe will make it apparent what yours is. While out on my own I have gone through so many emotions but I am beginning to lose the layers of self internalized guilt, the pills Dr. Society had forced down my gullet for years. I'm attending a support group for transsexuals, one that a new but already dear friend reached out and invited me to. I'm also attending a social/advocacy group for transgenderism in general. I'm also meeting with a therapist which I see as a needed step since I do not have absolute clarity. I have a general idea of what I want to do, think I should do it, just want some guidance and to make sure I deal with whatever other stuff I have going on so I end up coming out on top.
My last adventure, the one that actually prompted me finally start this blog, was buying $127 worth of new and fashionable woman's clothing and doing it without shame, fear, and completely obviously. I went to a local store and at first it was me, an older woman and the two young saleswoman. I'm guessing they got the "deer in the headlights" vibe from me and one approached asking who I was shopping for and my answer completely stone faced and matter of fact-ly was "Myself actually, cuz I crossdress on occasion." The girl asked back, "Really?" and I just answered with a "Yup". Then she said something like, "Okay, I only ask because we get tons of people coming in and joking about that. Anything specific you are looking for?"
Then it began, an at least hour long guided adventure through the store helping me get pants, tight ones :3 , shirts, and a jacket. I was even allowed to try them on in the fitting room like any other customer would (mind you this was a store that sold exclusively woman's clothing). I think I found what I call a jump point, a place I can go to and expect aid, and expect acceptance. I didn't stick around to get help with jewelry because, hell I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY! :P That and I was already kind of @_@ because of the utter information inundation. But I'm really tempted to call the store and ask what the policy on crossdressing in there would be so I could go dressed and then get help with jewelry. I'm going to talk about this idea with my therapist and see what she thinks about it.
Slowly I am beginning to appreciate that people can surprise me with kindness and that there is goodness in society. The misanthropic view at its height during high-school where I thought of others, outside of a few friends, as waste of flesh and that the whole of the human race was vile. College, getting my own life, and these seemingly correlated events have been and now have really eroded that view. It has also enabled me to start artistically expressing myself again, I have a bunch of ideas for projects the current favorite is to make a watch band using the spend 22 caliber casings from when my grandfather taught me how to fire a gun, alternating between a casing, beads, a casing, etc. That and one of them nifty punk jackets:
Well now that's only an overview this blog is gonna be a wordy blog! And I will make other disclaimers too. This is MY blog and that means I will post what I want to when I want to. If it offends or unsettles you, k, I really don't care. Also, I will talk on base emotional levels and on highly intellectual levels I have drawn metaphors between my thoughts and feelings to quantum theory, metaphysics, and density functional theory. I will not dumb myself down and if I post art there may not be an explanation if I don't feel like it.
If you can deal with the disclaimers I welcome you to follow me on this journey.